this morning, not so great. i woke from dreams of fighting with biz and my father, into a reality of fighting with my father - or rather, not even a fight, just him screaming at me because he needed someone to scream at, and i was the easiest one around for such things. i can't wait to move out, and i wish it was sooner. things that were going fine now seem to be suddenly degrading at break-neck speed. he did not, apparently, even feel the need for his typical effusive apologies - just a Data-esque 'sorry about that - everyone wants too much from me today' as he walked out the door.
but that's not even really it. i think, on a normal day, his screaming over something so obviously random and nothing-to-do-with-me wouldn't have even phased me; would have, in fact, probably been forgotten as it was happening. but today is one of those strange days. today i woke with that disjointed feeling - perhaps because of the dreams, perhaps because of some strange subconscious shift in sleep, or perhaps just a result of some odd biochemical reaction. maybe all three. maybe they're inseparable. regardless, though, this morning has felt fragmented and surreal. i seem incapable of completed actions - half-bowls of cereal, for example, half-done hair, half-clothed (the important half - the outer one - but bra and underwear seemed somehow too troublesome when i rolled out of bed this morning).
i'm speaking of this as if i don't know what it is, when i do. or rather, i know what it used to be - the beginnings of a 'depressive episode.' but, in the last nine months or so, with the one exception you know about (that post-spain one), these pre-cursors have not lead to their typical end-result. i guess even this is a half-done thing - a half-depression, of sorts. a desire to sit, but not sleep; disjointedness, but not despair.
a definite improvement, all told, but still a bewildering one. this used to be a sign-post on the way to somewhere else - now it's simply it's own place, except there is still nothing there but those signs. symbols detached from their former structure of meaning. i would say this disengagement from prior causal relationships was disorienting were it not for the fact that this state was mainly composed of disorientation to begin with.
however, i need to get dressed properly now, to head off to training and tutoring and then a dinner with my mom and sister and possibly Ned. none of which i am looking forward to (this is so obvious i have no clue as to why i even felt the need to type it) but all of which i will do because this is not the sort of thing i allow to confine me to my room. it's just enough to make me wish i could.
before & after
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