i miss him. terribly, to be perfectly honest, though that hugely embarasses a certain part of me (you know, the one that claims feminism, independence, general non-neediness, blah blah blah). the rest of me says, well yes, what else could've happened? you spend an average of five hours a day talking to someonem, what do you think will happen when they suddenly disappear?

not that he's completely disappeared, to be fair. initially that was the case

(now you're here, now you're not. where'dja go?) but that particularly mystery was solved. apparently someone laced something he smoke and/or drank with hallucingens, and as a result he went crazy. as in take a trip to the asylum, i think i'm a time lord, i lose all contact with anyone who isn't in my immediate geographical area crazy.

while he was gone i, of course, was going a bit crazy myself - not the same way (obviously), and i'm sure i had an easier time of it than he did, but still. when someone you're in love with but only get to talk/IM/e-mail with suddenly disappears without warning, you tend to get a bit...umm... distractde. yes, i think that's the word i'll use. not distracted as in 'oh look at the pretty bird now i've lost my train of thought' but as in 'where is he? what happened? is he blowing me off? did he get in an accident? is he fucking with me? is he ok? motherfucker he's blowing me off. no, he wouldn't do that, he's hurt. shit. shitshitshit. wait - what was i supposed to be thinking about?' distracted.

yes. all of which can be rather... umm.. well, rather distracting. rather unproductive. and, of course, my most brilliant solution to this is to simply try to distract my brain from itself. how do i do this, you might ask? well, basically, i use thre most inane and brain-numbing tools at my disposal: namely T.V., the internet, and the telephone. i think, on some subconscious level, i may literally be trying to fry my brain with all the elctro-magnetism so that it ismply becomes incapable of driving me so absolutely mad.

oh yes, poor me. oh weep whimper sob cry. yeah yeah, i know. why don't i get some real problems?

to be honest, i don't know (why i don't 'get some real problems'). however, isuspect that'd be a rather futile question for me to focus on, as it isn't what's up for me right now, this is.

so. erm. yes. now that i'm talking with myself in type... (oh yes. brilliant. bloody brilliant).

so anyway, back to the story. yes, he disappeared for a week. the first few days i had no clue what had happened (hence the vacillations from anger to worry) then iheard via a friend that he was in the hospital (but didn't know why) then finally found out why and then, finally, got to talk with him for the first time since it happened yesterday.

and that was good. very good. except part of the conversation - much of it, actually - was about how he really wasn't going to be available to talk anymore. or at least not for a while. and it's all for 'good' reasons (i.e. ones my logical brain agress with though my emotions aren't especially thrilled about), such as the fact that he has now moved out and consequently has no internet access(he was still living with his wife despite the fact that they were separating, due to a strange laundry list of reasons) and that he needs to take it easy for a while (obviously a good idea - who needs to jump back into a high-stress world when thy've just exited a week long hallucination?).

so yes. as i said, i agree with the actual causes of our current radio silence. so to speak.

it's just. that. doesn't. help.

well, no that's not fair. i'm sure it does help, in some sense. but the fact of the matter is, though i can think quite logically, my emotions almost never follow suit with the direction my brain is taking. and in this case, that is especially true.

emotionally, i'm a bit of a mess. not as in sitting around crying and bawling, but as in just not moving through space and time quite right. i frequently find myself half-frozen, mid-action, paused for no apparent reason. usually i discover it's because i was thinking about him, missing him, and my brain kind of short-circuited itself, because of not wanting to continue down that path and get terribly horribly sad.

and, cynically, i am reminded of my response to a statement he made a couple weeks ago, after his job offer fell through and his planned trip here got subsequently cancelled, and he said 'well, look at it this way, it can't really get any worse' and i said 'shht - take that back. it can always get worse.'

yes, boys and girls, i do believe that has come true. before i thought it was driving me crazy to only be able to experience him digitally - to hear his voice filtered by lines and wires and signals and miles, but never hear/touch/taste/feel the flesh and blood him.

now i'm realizing just how much the digital him was able to sustain me. that i'm not quite sure how to fill my hours and days.

theoretically, of course, this should be easy. this has *only* been going on two months, and the last two weeks have had very little communication, due to the crazy circumstances. i should be able to cope with facile grace.

nope. no such luck. this is not to say i won't get through - i will, i know i will - simply that i'm realizing i'm far more 'hooked' on him than i realized.

this past week, for example, when i was angry at him and thought he was blowing me off, i was flirting my ass off with any boy i found even vaguely interesting. even went out on a pseudo-date.

perfect mechanism for distraction, right?

wrong. it only made me miss him, think of him, wish i could talk to him, even more.

thus begins the waiting game. i only hope he doesn't keep me waiting that long. because it sucks. my brain isn't as quick, my demeanor isn't as facile, and i perpetually seek out mind-numbing distraction like it was the latest fad.

*chuckle* who am i kidding? mind-numbing distraction is the only fad. it's just that ihate it when i join the crowd...

before & after

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